All i want

is to ask how are you. all i want is to talk to you like old times. i guess i'm just afraid. afraid to find out that you are living well without me, unlike me. that you have moved on pretty well, unlike me.

hurdles in life, i've started to cross them one by one. impossible problems i use to see i've starting to see the light of solving them. the world is not as dark anymore, and i have all the friends around me to support me. i have everything, then why issit that i still feel that i am missing something. feel that i am not complete?

Darling, move on and be happy. i'll solve my own problem soon.

pain

recently, the pain is getting much more unbearable. why? after so long i'm feeling the pain in more intensity. wad hurts the most is not being able to be together again. wad hurt the most is not you have someone else in your heart. wad hurt the most is not i'm not able to give you up. wad hurt the most is not the inability to help you when i know you are having some problems. what hurt the most is not having to act like everything is ok.

What hurt the most? is that i've decided this is best for you despite every part of me screaming out otherwise. is that i've to do everything opposite of wad i really want. is that i have to give up everything true within myself. i miss you. i miss you so dearly. i never felt more dead.

The War Within

I'm smiling but I don't feel right. I don't know if I'm over it or not. I don't know if I'm alright. It feels like my life is in a total mess now, but I seem indifferent about everything. Am I dead? Then why cant I feel? My life was in a mess last year but I manage to find hope. I manage to find the courage to stand up again. I did my events, went for my reservist for the first time, did quite well. I had the zeal to do better and get a better result. I met you, and I felt a bond. Reluctant to get hurt in a relationship again, but reluctant to lose the chance of having someone dear to me as well. we progress and in the end we got together. we face many problems, but i tell myself a need to be truthful to you, I became stubborn. reluctant to get hurt again, i held on tighter. i had the perfect relationship but i tot i needed to be fair to you so i let you go. i trusted you to find the answer of choosing between your past or me. but in the end you chose someone else. and yet again i am hurt. through it all, i tell myself i shouldn't have let you go, but i know its being fair to you. i blame myself for not being able to go through it with you. not enough apologies can i give to you. for the start i gave you. for the during i gave you. for the end i gave you. for the hope i gave you. for the times i break ur heart.

i care but i will not show. i worry but i will not show. i desire but i'll not show. because i know exactly wad kind of person you are. i'll be the bad evil guy, so that you can give up totally. so that you will move on without still holding on to me, now ur past. it breaks my heart to see him giving you happiness, it breaks my heart to see myself unable to give you happiness. but it will break my heart even more to see you not have happiness. so i miss everyday, i dream every night, i desire and i hope, but i'll chained myself up, i'll restrain. i'll hurt myself, i'll stay away, i'll do everything opposite of wad i really want, i'll do opposite what i would do. i'll be the cold i need to be. not enough apologies can be given to you to express my remorse and regret. hopefully, the need for apologies will not increase.

i write but i know. its useless.